Clyde can hear y'all bitching in the background. “But you didn’t explain why Clyde? How could you kill all the Jedi? Don’t you know your actions helped bring about the dark times? The EMPIRE!? You didn’t even like Vader!” To that, Clyde thinks y'all fuckers look at history through taint colored glasses. Just in case you're confused, I don’t mean to say that the lenses on your glasses are tainted, like smudged or shit. I’m saying that the skin between your ball’gina and butthole has been removed and draped over your eyes. Just, wrapped, right around your head. Stretched beyond its bodily constraints so it can stretch about your bantha testicle sized head and fasten in a knot, but still thick enough to cover your gaze. The remnants of your Dagobah ass from your daily jog seeping behind your sockets, clouding your minds ability to view historical events objectively. I hope my metaphor cleared that shit up for you.
You’re basically this guy.
Let me break this down all academical like. Thesis: The Republic sucked ass, was terrible, and also blew. Let get that sad sack of an idea out of the way. “Oh, Clyde, but it was a more civilized age, with more elegant weapons, and Jedi! Oh, the Jedi were great, and you killed them!” Uh….Huh. Really? First off, I’m not going to get into the whole “Jedi are a bunch of weird child kidnapping pederasts” thing. Better academics and basement dwelling man children have paved that road a million times. You know what proves that the republic sucks ass more than any kind of economic or quality of life study ever could? I’ll tell you. Imagine I’m sing-shouting this in the worst falsetto you’ve ever heard. “No-Huh-ah-one would ah-Fi HIIIIIIGHT for AhhITTTT”!
No one would fight for it. Not even the jedi. Don’t believe me? Then go ask the mother fucking dishes.
Seriously, nobody cared about The Republic. Before Emperor Palpatine, before the clones and the first Galactic Civil War, The Republic was already dead and the “Seps were the only people who knew it. I mean, the money wasn’t good anywhere, racial stereotypes had taken form and were walking around unslaughtered, and basic trust had just disappeared. Do you remember what started all this? The blockade of Naboo. See, I knew you didn’t remember, because it was dumb. Queen Pandabear says “Hey, I’m blockaded”, everyones like “Are you sure?” They send jedi, who are almost murdered, come back and say “yup”, then people are still all like “Are you sure you’re sure? Let’s talk about this”. The Naboobans (you know what, I’m not gonna giggle and boob, you don’t deserve it) deal with it themselves, and everyone is pissed about something and a war breaks out because it can’t be proven that the Trade Federation, which is somehow its own federation and a part of The Republic, wasn’t attacked while casually minding its own business in orbit around Naboo. Filthy Naboo.
This. Do you remember this? No one could prove this. That you are looking at.
When the walls came crumbling down, the you know who they called? The jedi. You know what the jedi said? “Nope”. What did they do? They found us. Why? Better question, we had to be found. Yes, not a question. WE, the Clones. The A’s through the ZZZ’s When The cohesion of The Republic was threatened, not a single citizen stood up to defend it. Not even that, they weren’t even asked because the politicians and the Jedi knew that not a soul would offer. That sucks. So what in the ever loving fuck were my brothers and I even fighting for? Who were we fighting for? We were flesh, fighting an army of deathbots. Sure they were shitty death bots, but there were seriously a fuckshitfuckton of them. There was no high minded ideal, not creed or cause. There wasn’t even anyone back home to fight for.
The Jedi? Sure, the Jedi were okay. Oh, wait, no they weren’t. Sure, Obi-Wan cared, Anakin was when he shut his mouth and focused anywhere but on his dumb wife, Ayla Secura was great. You can’t survive swarms of rampaging Acklay without bonding with anyone who helped with that insanity. In fact, it’s where Boba came up with his recipe for Acklay Stew, sweet, sweet revengey stew. Most of the Jedi, however, were content to just let us die by the thousands. You can always grow more.
Lastly, Palpatine. Through those taint colored glasses of yours, you see the man who destroyed the free and diverse Republic. The man who killed the Jedi. The man who brought about the great and dark empire of the Sith. Sure. He did all these things. He did worse. Yes, his regime was racist, intolerant, brutal, generally horrible. You deserved it. The Republic, all these beautiful things you claim to love and cherish, was just an old toy that you broke and left on the floor to scream at when you later hurt your foot on it. All Papa Palpatine did was take your toy and put it away. It was a toy you were all too immature to have and you have the arrogance to blame him for it. Fuck you.
Do you see what I’m getting at? The wonderful toy that you abused, do you know who really loved it? Who played with it and appreciated it? We did. Clones. We were born to love it. We fought and died for it. We were it’s true and only Citizens We sacrificed and bled and when Palpatine took it away, he kept us, made us part of the Empire because we helped build it. It was ours. It was hard and brutish because we didn’t want you to take it away and ruin it just like you did the last time.
Patriotism. Clones have it.
And now it’s over. I hope you learned your lessons, because the First Order is a bunch of petulant whiney babies. So far it doesn’t seem like you have. The Senate is dead again. Good job. Fuck. Ass.
Clyde mad. I didn’t want to get all emotional. Pedantic and shit. But yeah. Clone Life! I’m going to go fuck now and think about you. Think about me next time you pick up a blaster and what it can mean. GAAAAAAAH! Boba! Dinner! Tip-Yip me Brah! Oh, and check out his Blog/Cookbook, bobachef.blogspot.com Clyde ain’t afraid to shamelessly shill.
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